Image by Jane Fader
Lately I’ve been interested in sugar daddies.
Like, I’ve been interested in the concept of sugar daddies and the phenomenon of sugar daddies. And I’ve also been interested in literal sugar daddies. Like, literally interested in sugar daddies. I mean, like, INTERESTED interested. Here are eleven reasons I may be into this right now:
- Uncertainty Reduction. I became interested in the concept of sugar daddies through a bullshit “data driven marketing” PR stunt that was picked up in the real news. Supposedly Seattle is one of the most highly condensed sugar daddy cities–a “sugar daddy capital”–at least according to the bottom feeding press. I thought to myself, even if there were 5% of the amount of sugar daddies in Seattle as the paper said there were, who in god’s name were these men? From what I could tell, every straight man in Seattle comes included with your choice of Maya Wrap
or glass eye. I felt a little challenged by the proposition that there was a market of men in this town who were aggressively doing anything and I wanted to tap it.
- Someone on OKCupid asked me on a date that consisted of smoking weed and watching Netflix and I thought it sounded nice.
- I’m always broke and always in love with some dude who treats me like shit. Is it so bad to only be in love with with some dude who treats me like shit and not also be broke? Just this once?
- In a sugar daddy relationship, conditions are negotiated upfront in an unembarrassed fashion to achieve uncompromised results. He wants something, you want something. You don’t have to pretend like you’re about to benefit from some sort of spiritual, emotional, sexual connection thing. And your honesty is rewarded.
- No one’s ever given me any jewelry or taken me on any trips or taken care of me or spoiled me ever before. Okay, there was one guy. But he also gave me an antique jolly ni##er bank, so I’m not sure if he counts.
- Ego. Just a nice little affirmation that I am one of those conventionally attractive sluts that guys who wear Sketchers go for.
- Adulthood. Isn’t this what adulthood is? Allowing your rational self to look out for your best interests, rather than acquiescing to your manic, romantic emotions? Talking about your career, rather than what’s up this weekend? Getting dressed up and going out to dinner? Acting like an adult is so fun! I’m not being sarcastic!
- Having sex for money is a hot, kinky, fantasy thing. Just like its fun to get attention for dressing up like a little whore on Halloween, its fun to get attention for acting like a little whore for your boyfriend on his birthday.
- I think sugar daddies are actually a lot more forgiving on physical imperfections than some ass hole who wears Sketchers. They’ve been around the block and their idea of beauty is way deeper than that cute guy making your gimlet. He knows that pimples aren’t permanent, clothes aren’t always fashionable, and he would have been appalled if he would have been paying attention when Brittany Murphy started losing all that weight. So yeah he wants you for your looks, but it’s kind of cool.
- Personal challenge. Can you even pull it off? How far can you take it? You wouldn’t put yourself through something like this and then not get the money after, right?
- I don’t know shit about money, and I’m not allowed to ask. Except within the intimate, outlaw context of an illegitimate relationship.
or glass eye. I felt a little challenged by the proposition that there was a market of men in this town who were aggressively doing anything and I wanted to tap it.
